Thursday, March 6, 2014

Joining the club.

Define rock bottom. I mean what are you determining factors and how do you know when you’ve sunk just shy or a little to the right? Maybe you are in Barnes and Noble on a Thursday during working hours and you are desperately trying to discover if there is an unemployment club in your area. That’s right a club for the unemployed. Like, real unemployed, educated, skilled, smart, dare I say charismatic peoples. Is there? Would you know how to find it? I certainly am trying to figure out how it’s done but since I love control so much I am thinking of starting my own. This may be the one club that once you enter you simultaneously hope to be kicked out of because that means you have landed a cushy job, right? This is how it is working in my head. So, I am here, at Barnes and Noble, scoping out the other patrons in a non-stalking way and casually typing and sipping my Fauxbucks latte.

Oh, Fauxbucks? You are curious aren’t you? Well, that’s my clever creation to look chic and sophisticated whilst truly being obscenely cheap (I am unemployed, remember?) So, to create your own Fauxbucks, you need a classic ceramic commuter cup (preferably from one of your local coffee shops or by a local artist) and some hot water. Fill it before you leave home and viola when you enter the coffee arena no one is the wiser. You are free to smirk internally at the poor schmuck that just blew $5.45 on his cup and whom is killing the universe with his paper. Of course; please know that he is likely smirking at you a bit because you maybe seem a little smug bouncing in with your coffee. Bygones.

So, back to the club, I created a profile on in an attempt to find my unemployment club. So, if you do not have an account and you aren’t sure of what is, check it out now but don’t be overwhelmed. Or at best, try not to be. I am going to warn you now; it is going to ask you all sorts of questions, questions that are easy in theory. Really easy, but today they may seem overwhelming, you know if you are having a day like me.

You will need to know what interests you but some of the categories are vague so you aren’t sure if the whole category interests you or just some aspect or facet will appeal and then you’ve made this gesture and you don’t want the label. Sigh; okay one step at a time. Just pick the interests and exhale. You are fine.  Once you enter your selections, choices, interests, possible interests, the system will tell you how many meetups in your area correspond to your interests. Algorithm people are so nifty, creating these data sites for our constant pleasure. Sheesh, I just love it. It is pretty cool too and also quite snappy because you can enter the distance you are willing to go for said meetups and it reconfigures what is in your radius.

You will quickly get distracted checking your phone calendar against the Indian/Pakistani cooking class that is scheduled for next week only to be quickly devastated that you aren’t going to be able to attend and suddenly feel stay at home mom snobbish and wish the class was midday so you can attend after yoga. Ok, before I receive a host of backlash from stay at home moms for my cooking class comment and potentially more offensive comments on this site to stay at home moms/dads/bunnies, working like mad moms/dads/bunnies, and educating and working and doing all kinds of hustling moms/dads/bunnies. I salute you. I know you are doing your best and it’s a hell of a lot. Your kids are grateful they just don’t know how to show it and it may take several years, possibly a decade of therapy before they are ready to dole out a thank you. I am still waiting for one to come round. The boy thanks me fairly often but he is practically a man now [insert sobbing here] but that was not always the case and I mean, think about it, are you truly a successful American parent if your child doesn't need therapy later in life? I think not.  Besides, there will be more on the parenting subject some other time. This is about me, about my new status, about being unemployed and how to be successfully unemployed. I will not fail at being unemployed and once I've made it, I will be sure to thank all those who helped me, right after I snag that new Marc Jacobs wallet that taunts me on Pinterest. 

Oh and, I didn't find or create a club yet. Will keep you updated...

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